It’s been a minute, hasn’t it?
I made a decision to start winding down this blog in late October 2017 with plans to settle it to sleep in an organized fashion. For all that I knew my gender transition was going to bring changes upon me, I still wasn’t ready for how profoundly my inner sense of self would change. As I realized how unlike the person who initiated this blog I was becoming, I quietly mothballed it, setting it to private in April 2018.
Wandering through its pages now, in February 2019, I find I have very little nostalgia for this place, but I respect it. This helped me get through my late 30s and allowed me to see a personal future that was more than a bleak slide to the world’s end. It helped me to nurse the femininity I kept hidden from the world.
Though it may not look like much, this blog gave voice to my intimate life.
It began in dissatisfaction. Now that I have a clearer vision of myself, I can see how much of that dissatisfaction was a pair of dysphorias, one rooted in my profound sense of alienation from my masculinized body and the other in my traumatic history going back to my childhood. When I tried to articulate my practice and its values here, I was trying to address that, hoping that I might find a way to heal myself.
And I did manage to heal myself, well enough to get to this present phase where I am doing a lot of straightforwardly psychological work on myself. The core of practice that I developed over the course of this blog’s life remains part of my daily life and nourishes me through this psychological work. My historical work allowed me to see more clearly how long we have existed in global interdependence with each other and how the last centuries of empire have grossly distorted and exploited that interdependence.
Still, I’m off in different direction than all of this. I don’t want to disrespect that person-I-was’s effort by condemning it to utter silence. They deserve acknowledgment, but there is so much here that isn’t familiar to me anymore, that bear the earmarks of a psyche more traumatized and withdrawn than the person I am now.
Rather than try to bring that person’s project to a conclusion, I am going to just leave it with all its ragged edges intact. It is from this that i leapfrogged into myself now and as-it-was is the most honest way I know how to leave it.
If you read me then, thank you. I appreciated the company and the witness. If you’re stumbling upon this well after the fact, you could start here if you care to wander.
Just a general note, you’ll see titles prefaced with [NB] throughout the archive. These identify what I call ‘notebook’ entries. From my first notebook post:
First, they provide me a place to share a little of what I am reading and thinking as I am doing it and have the added bonus of showing some of my conceptual work.
Second, and more importantly, they serve to anchor some concepts I plan to use in future posts, providing a kind of dictionary to which I can link.